This is me...not sleeping. I really hate it when I cannot sleep. Not that I've even tried. Not really. It's almost a dread of going to lie down. I don't know why.

I've surfed the web, read email, read junk mail, looked through pictures, read blogs. Its almost 3am and I am still unwilling to just go lay down.

I'm tired, don't get me wrong. I've worked hard today, cleaning and sorting and doing laundry. Maybe that's whats wrong, I'm too tired? Can you be too tired to sleep? Sounds like its crazy.

I did find an old picture of me, way back when I was 21.


Yeah that really is, or was me. A friend's brother took this for me. The deal was he could use any of the four rolls of film he took for his portfolio and I got a portrait for my parents for Christmas. This wasn't the shot I chose for the portrait. I picked the one where I was leaning forward from the tree I had been leaning on, laughing. They never did get the portrait to hang up but I gave them the picture. They liked it.

I kept this one for myself, though I never could quite grasp that it was me. I like it though. Its that one picture everyone has that they like of themselves...yep this one is it. The only one. Seems like forever ago. It was taken the same year I met Hawk, just at the beginning of the year. We met after that summer.

I thought I was fat then. Hell, I thought I was fat when I weighed 118 lbs in high school too. I didn't know what fat was. lol Life sure is an education.

I am going to try to get a new picture taken. I don't like posed studio pictures but I have some friends who are photographers and maybe I can get them to just take some casual shots for me. Then I will post the before and after pics for the weight loss. A few people have asked me to do that and I guess hitting 40 this year has broken down my vanity wall cause, well I don't care lol.

If I can take a web cam pic of myself at 3am with no makeup on I can certainly survive a before and after post. *grins*

I was always so conscious and critical of myself that I hated pics taken of me. I have none of the fun candid shots all my friends have of good times etc...only the ones others have given me. Lately I've indulged in a few. I got a picture in December of me with three of my oldest and dearest friends. Like family they are. I think I will start posting them, regardless of the inner twitches.

See what insomnia does to you? lolol